Hat and Cape

I took the first long distance picture below about a week ago and was disappointed when I saw it. This student on campus dresses like this everyday and I have wanted to get a picture of him for a while. I saw him walking across campus the other day and pulled over and snapped the picture. It was just okay, not blog worthy by itself. Well, today was my lucky day! I was at the post office in the basement of our building and he walked right by me. I snapped the second picture of him as he was walking into the pool hall. Who wears this kind of stuff? I have worn some goofy stuff in my life, but I would not wear a Dr. Seuss hat and a Harry Potter cape out in public even on Halloween. Apparently he wears it because he is cold. Well, I saw him as early as last July and it was not cold then. Next excuse please!

I actually had him pass right in front of my car today when DeWayne and I were coming back from Wal-Mart. I had my phone poised right over the top of the steering wheel facing him as he walked past the front of the car. I chickened out on snapping the picture because he looked right at me and smiled like he knew I was taking a picture. I got embarrased and quickly lowered the phone. I'm not sure if he knew I was trying to take a picture or not, but it probably didn't help that DeWayne and I were laughing and practically pointing.

This may sound mean. Maybe it is. I prefer to think of it as observant and witty. Well, observant at least. To each his own I guess. If he was not dressed like this I would not be blogging about it right now. I salute you sir!

Conference Call

This is a true story. The events described herein actually occurred. Names have not been changed to protect the innocent because I did not use any names. (Cue the Law & Order doink doink sound)

If you read this blog very much, you know I appreciate a good fart joke. I hope you do too!

I had a conference call this morning with four other people. Three were on campus in three separate offices and the fourth was in NJ at our home office. I was in my office by myself. I had closed the door and put the phone on speaker, like I normally do. The conference call started as scheduled at 9 o'clock. Pleasantries were exchanged and then we got down to business. I was mostly a listener on this call, so I was quietly checking emails, sending texts and doing other things more fun than being on a conference call. To be honest, I woke up this morning a little gassy, so I was happy to be off the floor for a half hour or so while on the call. I had let a couple of silent but deadly farts out during the first 10 minutes of the call. I was really hoping no one would come into my office since I was on this call and would not be able to vocally blame the smell in my office on someone else. Fortunately that did not happen. However, something else did. About 15 minutes into the call, our home office rep was speaking when I let another fart slip. This one was still deadly, but definitely not silent. He stopped mid-sentence. I cannot be sure that anyone or everyone on the call heard anything, but I am pretty sure that the sound of my fart did not coincidentally coincide with the exact moment our home office rep stopped speaking. He paused for just a couple of seconds and then started speaking again. Three out of the five people on this call were men, so by process of elimination I figure I would be the second suspect, not the first.

I guess I will really never know whether that was the fart heard 'round campus or not. One thing I know for sure.......I'm glad smellophones have not been invented!

Fries and Pies

I have to tell you about a great restaurant that you must visit the next time you are in the greater Claremore, OK area. Not in that area much? Well, me neither, but hopefully you will enjoy the story! We run the store at Rogers State, which is in Claremore. Because of this, DeWayne and I have gone up a couple of times to visit the store. We had to pick a few things up there that we needed to take back to our store. We went in the evening because the manager their, LaTonya, invited us to have dinner with her at the Hammett House, a locally famous eatery. She said they were famous for their fries and pies. Pies you may know about. Fries, perhaps not.

If you are not from the South, then you may not know that when an establishment is famous for their "fries" that we are not talking potatoes. The Hammett House has lamb and turkey fries on the menu and they are delicious! Until I moved to Tahlequah, my only experience with "fries" were calf fries. I had tasted them before and liked them, but never really knew of a place with them on the menu until I worked a summer at the Big Texan Steak Ranch in Amarillo. If you have never been there, you should go. It is a tourist trap, but the food is decent and the atmosphere is next to none.

One summer night when I was working in the balcony, I waited on a couple who were from somewhere in the Midwest. They were looking over the menu and I asked them if they would like to start off with an appetizer. The wife was looking at the list and said "Calf fries? What are those?" I knew what they were, but at the ripe old age of 18, I was unsure how to tactfully relay that information. I looked at her husband and he looked at me. He set down his menu, leaned back, and with a smile on his face said, "I'm gonna let you handle this one." Alrighty then. Let the stumbling begin! I said okay and then looked back at the wife. I stumbled over my words for a few seconds. You know how you start to use your hands to help create a picture of what you are describing when someone is just not getting it? Well, that is what I ended up doing. I ended up sticking out my hand and making a cupping motion. This did nothing to educate the wife on what I was trying to describe, but it did send her husband into hysterical laughter. "Well, they are the......you know, they're the......on a calf, they are the......." all the while making a cupping motion with my hands. The husband finally took pity on me and said, "Honey, they are Rocky Mountain Oysters." Recognition came over the wife's face. "Oh," she said. Then she scrunched up her face and looked at me and quietly said "We don't want any of those." Looks like this woman and I both learned something new. We each learned a new name for something I liked and she did not! If you are not aware of what "fries" are by now, we are talking about testicles. Sorry to be blunt. I will refer to them as fries from here on out.

Meanwhile, back at the Hammett House, they are serving up turkey and lamb fries every night. If you have had calf fries, they taste much the same, and no, they do not taste like chicken! Before Lauren came to visit last weekend, I mentioned to her over the phone that we should go eat in Claremore and have fries and pies at the Hammett House. Lauren said she was game. I think her exact words were, "Sounds good to me! I like fries and pies." Knowing Lauren I delved a little deeper. "Do you know what I mean by fries?" She said yes, but I quickly found out she was thinking potatoes. I got to relive the Big Texan story again! Thanks Lauren! I know we were on the phone, but I'm pretty sure your face also scrunched up when you said "no thank you."

If you are like me, your stomach growled as soon as you read the word pie. They have a list of pies they serve at the Hammett House everyday, as well as a special pie of the day. You can get chocolate, pecan, coconut cream, etc. All the staples. Pumpkin is noticeably missing, but whatever. When we were there last week, the pie of the day was strawberry. Many of you may know that strawberry anything is known to be my favorite. Well, if strawberry really is my ace, then I am holding a few trump cards. The biggest trump of them all is the buttermilk chess pie! Have you ever had this pie before? Be careful! You will take one bite and then want to crawl inside the pan and eat your way out. Buying one slice of pie in a restaurant is the safest way to eat buttermilk chess. They only place I have ever seen this pie on the menu is the Hammett House and The Coney Island in Pampa.

Awww, Coney Island. My mind is beginning to wander..........

Pushy Salesman

I had a rep from from a cartridge company call me today to try to sell me some cartridges that he knew we used for our in store use printers. He was a little smarmy on the phone, but sounded like a nice guy. He was a very smooth talker and from what I could tell was a huge fan of the cartridges he was selling. He was actually cracking me up on the phone. So much so that I decided to type what he was saying to me as he spoke so that I could email it to myself and blog about it tonight.

Do you all know what a polycarbonate drum is? Me neither. Do you care? Me neither. "The polycarbonate drum is the heart and soul of your printer!" That was one thing he told me. I am going to list out the rest below. Just try to imagine the salesman spouting these off as I try to interject a word here and there. I was unsuccessful.

"You're going to look at three things when you get your cartridges. The first is quality. You'll notice that right away. Then you'll notice the longevity. Finally, you'll love the overall cost effectiveness." The only thing I look at when I get a cartridge is how to load it into the printer.

"You know the expression 'Don't look a gift horse in the mouth'? Well, we're not asking you to look us in the mouth. We're asking you to saddle up and ride!" I'm not sure he understands that expression. Perhaps this is not the selling point he thinks it is!

"The proof is in the printing!" Nuff said.

"This cartridge is the most effective product on the US Market today." Highly Unlikely. The most effective? Really? I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that is an untrue statement.

"Are you familiar with the inside of your printer? Open it up and look for a metal part called the iris." I told him I found it. I did not even open the printer. Shame on me.

"I want you to run the daylights out of my cartridges. Run print. Even run graphics!" Wait, this print cartridge will allow me to print graphics? That changes everything!

I told him no several times and was very nice about things. He was very persistent. I stopped the conversation after the timer on the phone hit 10:30. I guess ten and a half minutes was the point where funny became annoying. I finally had to "say thanks but no thanks, we can keep talking but the answer is still going to be no in another 10 minutes. I appreciate you calling and you can certainly check back with me, but I will not need any cartridges right now."

If you are in the market for any new cartridges for your printer, I have just the person to call.

Get in the floorboard

During my junior year of high school some friends and I took a Country/Western Dance class at Amarillo College. It was off season in football and I was not playing basketball, so going to Amarillo one night a week with friends and taking a dance class sounded like fun. As it turned out, I ended up being the only guy who went. We had several other guys lined up to go, but when push came to shove, they backed out. That did not stop us from having a great time. The group consisted of myself, Codi, Tobi Ann and her sister Samantha, their mom Nikki and her friend Cathy. It turned out that our group being lopsided with women was a good thing, because the class would have been heavier on men if we had an even group. Our class was a motley crew of colorful characters from the Amarillo area. A few couples of varying ages, a handful of single men, one of which rode his Harley to the class, and a couple of single older women.

Country Western Dance Beginning was the name of the class. We all had varying degrees of skill, but my group all knew how to two-step. We learned to box step and waltz and also learned a lot of line dances. It was shocking that not everyone in our class knew how to do the cotton eyed joe. The Panhandle crew really excelled the night we went over that one! Gold stars for everyone! We learned a line dance to the song Wild, Wild West. Before you start singing in your head, this was not the version Will Smith did for the movie. This song is from the group The Escape Club and is from the early 90's. The line dance was a lot of fun, although I cannot remember one step to it. This is probably just as well, as I have not been to a dance hall and heard that song in a long time.

My cousin Jake told me something when I was in elementary that has always stuck with me. I attended Cotillion during the summer of my 5th and 6th grade years. We had theme nights every week and one week was country/western. This was also the last time I wore a bolo tie in case you were wondering. I remember telling him that we were learning line dances at Cotillion and he said "Coleman, line dancing is for fat girls." For those of you who do not know Jake, he is an excellent dancer, so this was advice I took to heart. Does this mean I quit line dancing? No way! It does mean that I fondly think of Jake and laugh anytime I am about to participate in a line dance. Back to the story......

We had a great time taking these classes. We got to know everyone in the class, but not so well that we felt bad about making fun of the on the way home. The guy who rode the Harley seemed to be quite fond of Nikki and Cathy and would dance with either of them as much as he could. I remember the first ride home in Cathy's van. He had been dancing with both of them that night and had been thrusting his pelvis into their hips while on the dance floor. We came up with several witty nicknames for him. Mr. Thruster and The Pelvis. Impressive huh? The Pelvis was the one that stuck. Over the weeks The Pelvis became increasingly fond of Nikki and Cathy. They were both invited to take a ride on his Harley, but declined due to lack of interest. I think he got the message toward the end, but he would still dance with them as much as he could.

Betty was one of the older women in our class. I danced with her several times and we both did okay. I was nervous dancing with her sometimes because I was 17 and she was in her 60's. She was a really nice lady though, which makes this next part so funny! She had a sort of dialed down beehive hairdo, but it was still a beehive! We had been working on a new dance that night, which one escapes me now. We had several turns and spins. Toward the end of the song I spun her under my arm and did not raise my arm enough as she went underneath. My forearm brushed the top of her head. When it did it set her beehive off tilt! The funny thing is that she did not even notice! Her beehive went from a 45 degree angle on the back of her head to a straight up 90 degree point on the top of her head. I immediately began to come unglued. I was trying so hard not to laugh. Codi was dancing near me with The Pelvis and she saw the whole thing go down. To this day we do not know whether she knew what happened. For all we know she went home and took the beehive off and never knew the difference. I sure hope that was the case!

The ride over and back to class ended up being just as much fun as the class itself. Cathy always took her van because we had a large group and it had the most room. It was an older model van, although I cannot remember what kind. We called it the Wanky Wagon. Cathy was an elementary teacher in Panhandle. This was the only way I knew her prior to the class we took together. Turns out she has a wicked sense of humor! She and Nikki would ride in the front seat of the van on the drive over and back. They told us that if they ever saw a good looking guy passing us on the highway that they would yell "Get in the floorboard" and we would all have to hit the deck. This never happened, but was always brought up on subsequent trips. To this day, Cathy still says that to me when she sees me. I was home at Christmas and ran into Thriftway to get some celery (and a can of fake snow. Just kidding REK fans.) I was walking down the aisle looking for things on my mom's shopping list when I heard her yell across the store "Get in the floorboard!" It still always makes me laugh.

Come to think of it, I do not remember anything I learned in that class. I guess their is something to the old adage of "use it or lose it." Codi and I did learn a pretty cool routine that could be done to any faster country song. I remember doing it at every school dance our junior year and everyone thought we were pretty cool. At least that is how I remember it!

V Day-The Girliest Day I've Had in a while

I'm not going to lie, Friday was a little emasculating. DeWayne and I took our full time staff in Tahlequah out to dinner earlier this week. Our store in Broken Arrow closes at noon on Friday, so it gave us the chance to take the staff there out for lunch. We had talked previously about having a post rush dinner, but we did not make it happen in the fall, so we were determined to make it work this semester.

The ladies from Broken Arrow decided that they wanted to eat at The Pink House in Claremore, which is about 20 miles northeast of Tulsa and Broken Arrow. This worked out well for us since we had to go to Claremore after lunch anyway. The Pink House is a tea room in an old pink house in a semi residential area of Claremore. They serve quiche, salads, baked potatoes, soup, casseroles, desserts and about a 100 different kinds of tea. If men are traditionally hunters and women are traditionally gatherers, this menu falls under the latter rather than the former. In other words, NO MEAT! However, our meal was great. I also scored a piece of coconut cream pie, so the meal was definitely not a loss!

We headed back to Tahlequah to drop things off at the store. I went home to get ready because I was working an event that night. In honor of Valentine's Day and the 10 year anniversary of the Eve Ensler book, the Liberal Arts department on campus was hosting The Vagina Monolgoues at the Jazz Lab three times this weekend. Lauren came in to town this past Saturday, so I worked the performance Friday night, DeWayne took Saturday night, and we had a part time employee, also named Lauren, who worked the matinee performance by herself. She also worked with DeWayne and myself at both of the evening performances.

I am not going to lie, I was nervous about going to the performance all week. I have never seen The Vagina Monologues before, but that did not stop me from forming some preconceived notions about the show I would be attending. Every college campus where I have worked has done a performance of this show for Valentine's Day, or V-Day, as they call it. I think their "V" has a different meaning. You be the judge. As I said, I have always had a picture in my mind of what a performance of this show would be like. I pictured a woman like the comedian Alex Borstein standing on a stage in all black and screaming at me about her vagina for two hours, with a short intermission. Well folks, I was not too far off.

I got to the Jazz Lab at 6 o'clock. The performance started at 7. Eve Ensler had a new book come out last week so we were selling copies of the book at the performances all weekend. No one purchased a book from me Friday night, but they sold several copies of the new book at both of the Saturday performances. I may have had a "deer in the headlights" look on my face the whole night that may have kept people from coming too near the table. Anyway, the show started and I went inside. The place was packed. I knew people would show up, but I had no clue that it would be standing room only. Lauren, my employee, and I sat upstairs. The basic premise of the show is for several different women to get up and do monologues from the original book. All the women were dressed in black, with splashes of red thrown in here and there. I guess I was only half right about what they would be wearing. I consider myself a pretty open minded person, but I am also sure my eyes were about as big and round as they could be for most of the monologues. To tell you the truth, I was most concerned that I would laugh inappropriately at the performance and have everyone turn and look down their liberated noses at me. For example, I still enjoy a good fart joke. I heard someone use the word rectum in a medical reference the other day and it made me giggle. When someone burps I always look a them and say "nice!" I was petrified that someone would use a slang word at the performance and I would laugh. I am pretty proud of myself for not doing that. However, I could have easily done just that! These are the names of some of the monologues that I heard the other night. (feel free to giggle as you read, no one is around) "Because He Like to Look at it", "The Little Coochi Snorcher that Could", "My Angry Vagina" and "The Woman Who Loved to Make Vaginas Happy." If I had to pick a favorite I would probably say it was "My Angry Vagina." It fit in the most with my vision of what the night would be. And let me just tell you, her vagina was angry! It cussed, yelled, screamed and pointed! It really was pretty funny. The woman who performed this monologue is a student and a customer of ours. She unintentionally cracks me up every time she comes in the store. She has a way of tucking her head down and bobbing it back and forth when she speaks. She does not have a lisp, but she has a certain way of speaking that is lisp like. I have a pretty good impression of her too, so feel free to ask me to do it next time you see me. Her monologue was right after intermission, so I was not quite as shocked as I had been in the first half and able to enjoy it more. It probably helped that lots of people were laughing at this one too.

They were also selling t shirts at the performance. As soon as Lauren showed up to work the event with me, she had to have a shirt! They were white shirts with red lettering that said "Vagina Warrior" across the front. Underneath, in much smaller letters, it read "until the violence stops." She immediately went into the bathroom and changed into her new shirt. From any reasonable distance, the shirts looked like they only said "Vagina Warrior." Lauren informed me that she would be wearing her new shirt to the bar that evening. Lauren is a funny girl. She is in ROTC and will be joining the military as soon as she graduates. In her words, this performance was "really not my thing," which made the fact that she wanted a shirt even funnier. Apparently being a Vagina Warrior does not make you impenetrable to the effects of alcohol, because Lauren was late to the next days performance at 1 o'clock. She called me to tell me she was going to be late. I said okay and asked why. "Have you ever seen Dude, Where's My Car? That happened to me last night. I'm still looking for my car."

Afterward, I packed up my books, picked up my manhood at the door and headed home. When I got home I fixed myself a stiff drink and turned on the tv. I checked my dvr and saw that a Wanda Sykes comedy special that I had set to record a week ago had taped sometime during the day. I polished off my gin and tonic and fixed a margarita. I figured I would finish off my girlie day by drinking a margarita from a fancy glass. The comedy special was hilarious, regardless of whether it was girlie or not. She did a bit about her fat roll and how it was trying to creep out of her spanks. It had its own voice and loved cheesecake and booze. While I cannot relate to the spanks part, I am a member of the fat roll community, so I got a kick out of it.

She also did a couple of fart jokes . Priceless.

Happy Naked Friday!

Every so often, on the eve of a Friday, I think to myself, maybe I will get a message from Trena today that says "Happy Naked Friday!" I know, I know, this is a great opening line to a blog. You were hopefully immediately intrigued! In the blogging community it would probably be the equivalent to "Call me Ishmael" or "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Okay, maybe not. How about we Paul Harvey the rest of this story?

Their is a couple in Panhandle with a couple of daughters that I went to high school with. Their oldest daughter was in my sister Lindsay's class and was friends with Lindsay and her best friend Trena. I think their youngest was a freshman when I was a senior. As I think back on this couple now, they were the reason the phrase "too much information" was coined. From a distance they seemed like an average, small town, rotund American couple. She is in banking and he is in insurance. However, this is not your average couple.

Let's start with him. When I was in 7th grade his daughter and I were in the same after lunch group. Our junior high had 30 minutes of group time after lunch that was called Panther Rap. Each Rap group consisted of a mix of 6th, 7th and 8th graders. Now we call these groups learning communities. I guess somewhere along the way administrators decided they did not want us "rapping" together. Our rap group decided to have a fundraiser, and of course we went for the painfully obvious car wash. One group did a bake sale, so we were not the most predictable group. Anyway, HE came to help at our carwash, which was really nice. Our rap group sponsor did not even show up, so the fact that HE and other parents came was a huge help. We all brought hoses, sponges, buckets and rags and met at the parking lot at the Church of Christ to wash some cars, make some money and get some sunburns. Not all of us brought traditional rags. HE got the "rags" out of his car and the group immediately began to react. Mouths opened, jaws dropped, and giggles ensued. He brought old pairs of whitey tities to use as rags to wash the cars. Even now as I type this I am laughing because just the thought of washing someone's car with someone else's old underwear, let alone being paid to do it, is hilairous! I remember being embarrassed by what he brought, but also being the first one to grab a pair so that he would not feel bad about what he brought. To tell you the truth, old undies are pretty good at getting dirt and bug parts off of bumpers, windshields and grills. By the end of the day we were not balling them up when we were scrubbing so that no one would know what we were using to wash their cars. We were joyfully dipping the underoos in the soapy water and slapping them out across the windshields of our customers cars so they could see what we were using. You think our reactions were funny, you should see the expression of a 65 year old woman when you slap an old dirty pair of size 60 undies across their windshield and then tell them "that'll be $10." Priceless.

Now on to her. SHE worked at the bank, and Trena worked there part time after school. Of course SHE was very nice and always has been, but apparently their was a side to her that I and my family would never have known had it not been for Trena. God bless you, Trena! HE and SHE apparently had a very, very healthy marriage. For those of you who are not catching my drift, I'm talking about sex. It is natural to have a certain amount of disclosure with the people you work with. If you think about it, we spend more time with the people we work with then we do with our own friends and family. That being said, their is a difference between disclosure and full disclosure. Apparently Friday's were reserved to discuss "Naked Friday," which was a tradition HE and SHE had grown accustomed to over the years. Their girls would be out on the town at local sporting events, dragging main street, or other such nonsense, and their parents would be at home, naked, thus coining the phrase "Naked Friday." I guess it went even further than that. Monday's were reserved for talking about how fun Naked Friday was and what would happen the next Friday. I am sure at some point I heard details, which I have since deleted from my memory, but I will let you fill in your own blanks. Ever since the first mention of Naked Friday, Trena has taken it upon herself to remind us of this HE and SHE family holiday. It was always funny when she did it, especially since it happened every Friday of my senior year. It got even funnier when I went to college because it did not happen ever Friday. Sometimes I would check my email Friday between classes and have a random email from Trena that said Happy Naked Friday. She would send them to me, Lindsay, my brother Clay and my parents. I still get an occasional facebook message from Trena with the same sentiment and it always makes me laugh.

Perhaps I will log on to facebook when I am finished blogging and send her the same message! It's about time I was the one to spread the love!

Inspired by Derek. Thanks Man.

I recently read a blog on Derek's website that inspired me to write one of my own. The blog had to do with the shows he enjoys watching and how those shows are a true test to his manliness. Did I get the jest of that Derek? I hope so.

None of the shows Derek has listed on his blogs are ones I watch, so please keep reading if you have already read his. I promise the shows I am about to list are just as "manly" as the ones he watches, perhaps even more so.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey

I am so ashamed to admit this, but I am a huge fan of this show. I have seen some of the episodes of the other "Housewives" shows in the franchises of the O.C., Atlanta and NY, but I was never really interested. Were they funny? Yes. Did they have an episode where a mother of three flipped a table in the middle of a classy restaurant? No! Welcome to New Jersey. To tell you the truth, I saw a clip of the show before the season even started. This is where I first caught a glimpse of the table flip. I tuned in the whole season to see this table flip, but of course it was in the season finale. It didn't really matter, I was hooked from the first episode. Watching these guido mobsters who joyfully reaffirm every Jersey stereotype in the book was quite fun in 2009. I hear they will be back this year. I'll keep you posted.

Cougar Town

If you are not watching this show, you should. You have my permission to take a break now and watch an episode online. At first glance, this is a chick show. However, the men on this show are hilarious, and make this at least a 50/50 male and female show. Okay, maybe it's 60/40. (or 70/30, whatever) The show follows Jules, played by Courtney Cox, as she is navigating her way through the first year after her divorce as a 41 year old cougar. Everyone on the show speaks to each other with an extremely sarcastic wit, but it is also dripping with love! To me, the real standout on the show is Ian Gomez. He plays Jules' best friends husband. The couple lives next door to Jules. He is friends with Jules, married to Jules' best friend and best friends with Jules' ex-husband. His blind loyalty to Jules' ex is one of the funniest things I have ever watched. Seriously fellas, this show lets us laugh with the guys as they sit on a raised boat in the middle of a concrete ocean as well letting us watch the cougariffic goings on of three beautiful women. If anything, girls should be blogging about how they are embarrassed about watching this truly manly show.....right? If you want to check out a clip of Ian Gomez in the show, follow this link to youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hb-mRiRJ8Dw

Desperate Housewives

This one I am not so ashamed of. I have watched every episode of the show, even when it got not so good for a couple of seasons. I hung in there and saw the show come out for the better on the other side! If you do not know what this show is about, reread the title of the show. Get it? The show is all about desperate housewives. It is also about their husbands, kids, jobs, drug habits, suicides, revenge plots, catering, cheating, murders, sex and all other things that are commonly found in suburbia. Does that sound like your neighborhood? Me neither. That is why the show is so watchable! Seriously though, this much stuff has not gone down in one neighborhood since Angela Lansbury was solving murders in Cabot Cove. (speaking of, I love Murder, She Wrote)

So there you have it. Those are three shows that I happily, and now not so secretly, enjoy week in and week out. I am sure their are more shows on my playlist that would raise an eyebrow or two, but perhaps you should check your own repertoire before you begin casting stones. Feel free to comment if you think of shows that I watch that are less "manly" than those listed.

The Bolorado Cooldog

During Margaret's 30th birthday weekend, Dana mixed up several delicious drinks for the group. The newest drink we have all been enjoying is the Colorado Bulldog. Have you had one? They are delicious. (see picture) It is a mixture of vodka, kahlua, milk and coke.

My friend Codi used to mix these for us in college. She was the one who coined the phrase "Bolorado Cooldog." After a Friday night of fun with the aforementioned drink, she said she woke up feeling Bolorado Cooldogged. The name stuck. We had many a good nights with the Bolorado Cooldog, and judging from the popularity of the drink with Margaret's partygoes, it is making a comeback.

You can use the recipe below. Their are variations, but these are the basics.

1 oz. vodka (any will due, but Margaret and Dana prefer whatever Chelsea Handler is drinking)

1 oz. kahlua

milk to fill

Coke, just a splash

Stir all ingredients together. Sip or chug. Smile. Enjoy.

Pretty simple, huh?

A word to the wise--do not be cute and order a Bolorado Cooldog at a bar. I'm pretty sure the bartender will inform you that you have already had your last drink for the night.

Live! With Kelly and Cole?

So I have been doing a lot of thinking about this lately, which is really kind of scary. I figure Regis Philbin, from Live! with Regis and Kelly, is bound to retire in the next few years. I would like to officially throw my hat in the ring to be his replacement! (Pause for laughter) Seriously though! I think I could fill the shoes of TV's most prolific host.

I was reading about the possible retirement of Mr. Philbin earlier today on various websites. Apparently their has been talk of an impending retirement for years. I guess a lot of people thought he would retire after he had his bypass surgery last year. Wrong! He's back! Lots of men have been mentioned that could be possible replacements. Jeff Probst, a.k.a The Probster, How I Met Your Mother's resident ladies man, Neil Patrick Harris, and Mr. AC360, Anderson Cooper. All great possibilities. However, I would like to point a few things out. Jeff, Survivor would miss you! No one does Tribal Council like you. Barney (Neil Patrick Harris), please stay where you are and help Ted find his wife! What can I say Anderson, CNN needs you. You should stay where you are, just threaten to leave and collect a huge bonus. (You can thank me later for that one later) I read one article that said after his retirement he would probably be replaced by a woman. It went on to say that they did not believe any male celebrity could fill his shoes, so a woman would be a natural choice. They felt that Kelly would do just as well with a female co-host and that would curtail any problems a new male host might have filling Regis' shoes.

I think what you read below will convince you that picking anyone but yours truly would be a grave mistake!

• I work cheap! I would not even begin to speculate what Regis makes per episode, but I bet I could live pretty large on just half of that. I'm not saying you won't get your bang for your buck Gelman, but in this economy we all need to be pinching pennies!
• I think Regis has a car service because he lives in Connecticut. I will sacrifice and live near the studio. I can certainly make due in Manhanttan! I would love to walk to work!
• Kelly and her husband, Mark Consuelos, have three kids. I would be more than happy to do some free babysitting so those two could have a few nights out. This would also give us something to talk about on Monday's during host chat. The benefits of this one are two-fold!
• I am fully capable of dialing a telephone. I do not get to watch Live! as much I would like, but it seems that over the past several years Regis has had quite a problem dialing the phone number to call the lucky person who is going to play the daily trivia game. Perhaps this is part of Regis' charm, but perhaps it is a more telling sign of the problem of ageism and technology. I think I could bring more to the table, or in this case, the phone. I would even be willing to talk and dial at the same time. Contrary to popular belief, some men can multitask!
• I am a likable person! I like to chit chat about random things, which would make the daily improvised twenty minute "host chat" at the beginning of each show all the more fun! Plus, I am from the South. Perhaps a little southern charm is just what the show has been missing. Kelly is from New Jersey and I am from Texas. Between the two of us, perhaps this show "can rise again!" (That was a very poorly veiled reference to the South rising again. I will not make another ridiculous comment like that.)
• I have a laundry list of hilarious friends and family that could fill in for Kelly or the occasional last minute guest cancellation. All of them would be very interesting co-hosts or guests. I promise that all of them would have socially relevant quips regarding sports, pop culture and any other topics of discussions. All of their banter would be family friendly, worthy of a mid-morning talk show. I will do my best to make sure they are all sober. Just kidding! (for the most part)
• I know pop culture! I sometimes get the feeling that Regis is not fully aware of why he is interviewing the person across from him or why they would be invited to be on the show. I could astound you with my Pee-Wee Herman knowledge, I remember why Gary Busey is culturally relevant and I have seen all the Police Academy movies. Still not convinced? That's understandable. What if I had to interview Selena Gomez. I'm pretty sure Regis and I know the same amount about this young ingenue.......nothing! Regis would appreciate my next move. I would "phone a friend" named Dana and find out everything I needed to know in order to perform the perfect interview. I could also bone up on my Jonas Brother's music catalog, start listening to Jay-Z and limit the number of references I might make to obscure movies. (You are a genius Christopher Guest) Are you convinced? I thought so! I just want to make sure that you know I am willing to do some leg work!
• A new host on the show would certainly be big news. It might even increase ratings at first, as people will inevitably wonder how the "new Regis" is doing. Here's my question. How much do you think ratings would go up by bringing in an unknown host to fill the spot of one of the most beloved talk show hosts in history? The answer, oodles! (This word does not get proper credit, so I decided to use it) I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but I think bringing me in would be the Spinal Tap equivalent of cranking it up to eleven.

In all seriousness, if someone from the show is reading this blog, I would very much like the opportunity to be considered for Regis' position when he retires. Gelman, I appreciate the comical repartee you and Regis have going on. I would be proud to continue in that grand tradition! To my friends reading this, I hope you enjoyed. Remember this, those who help me succeed may someday be a guest on Live! with Kelly and Cole. Those of you who ridicule and mock me will one day be mocked on national television. That's just some food for thought. Wikipedia told me that the show has been renewed through 2011. In case you were wondering, I am willing to move in 2011. If you can cover the moving van, the aforementioned friends would be happy to help me pack. Splitting resources, talk about teamwork!

The Singing Bee

Have you all been watching The Singing Bee? Lauren has turned me on to this show and I love it! It is a karaoke singing competition show on CMT. It is hosted by Melissa Peterman, who also played the hilarious Barbara Jean on the sitcom Reba. (Did anyone else have a thing for Barbara Jean? No, just me? Sorry Lauren, the secret is out) You should definitely check it out! It is on Friday nights at 8:00. Set your dvr's now!

The show begins with Barbara Jean, I mean Melissa, going around the audience and picking six people at random to head on up to the stage to play. I think they are all there to play, but you have to be chosen in order to go up to the stage. (I think this is where my Barbara Jean crush would come in handy. I would stare longingly into her eyes until she picked me to sing. Either that or picked me for a restraining order. Either way, she would pick me!)

The show starts out with a simple, addictive tune. "There's a party going on, clap your hands, sing a long. Cause there's a great big party going on!"

Melissa picks the six lucky people to go on stage. She introduces each of them and lets them tell a little about themselves. She introduces the band, which includes a keyboard, guitar, drums, bass and six or seven singers. The show is 60% country music and 40% everything else, so surely you can find a tune you like!

The first round of play is called Pick Four. It's pretty simple folks. The first four out of six people to sing a line of a song correctly wins. The band sings part of a song and when the music stops you have to sing the next line. Four people move on to the next round. Two people don't.

The next game is the one that I think is the hardest. It's called Random Shuffle. The band sings a song and while they sing words appear in random order on a screen. When the band stops singing you have to unscramble the words and sing the line correctly. This is easy if you know the words, but pretty stinking hard if you don't. On second thought, the whole game would be pretty hard if you don't know the words! Each person gets a chance to go go through this round. If you get it correct you get 5 points. If you miss, then you do not get any points. On to the next round.

Singing with the Enemy is a pretty funny round to watch. They split the remaining four contestants into two teams. The band starts singing a song and when they stop one person has to sing the next line. The band then starts again. When they stop the next time the other person has to sing. It goes back and forth like this three or four times. For each correct line a person sings they receive 5 points.

The last challenge with all four contestants is called Karaoke Challenge Time. Each of the contestants gets up and sings a verse and a chorus from a song that is on the screen in front of them. The catch is that 15 words are missing. For each word they sing correctly they receive 2 points. At this point it is still anyone's game! After the songs have been sung and the totals have been totaled, two people move on to the next round. Back to pasture for the other two.

The next challenge these two duelers face is Chorus Showdown. The person with the highest score gets the artist and year of a song and decides whether they want to play or pass. Each one has to sing the entire chorus verbatim. If they both do it, I think they go to a tie breaker. You think this would be pretty easy, but it actually is pretty hard. Over the past couple of weeks I have realized how many songs I have been singing incorrectly. At least I sound good, right? Wrong! The tagline of the show is "You don't have to sing it well, you just have to sing it right!" Agree to disagree, okay!

Whoever wins the Chorus Showdown wins The Singing Bee and will be going home with a trophy. However, they still have a chance to win $10,000!

The Final Countdown is the next challenge. Cue the equally addictive and fun Final Countdown intro, "Five, four, three, two one, it's the Final Countdown!" My words are not doing this song justice. You have to see the singers sing it live and witness the obligatory Melissa Peterman kick at the end. This is great tv! The Final Countdown involves seven songs. The band sings the songs one by one and when they stop you have to sing the next line. If you get five out of seven correct you win $10,000. If you get three strikes, you guessed it, you're out! When a person wins, everyone goes nuts. Confetti flies everywhere while the band is singing us out. We are invited back to watch again next week. I don't think enough shows do that. I took an hour of my time to watch, so I appreciate being thanked and invited back next week. I think they do this on Wheel of Fortune. Thanks Pat Sajak. Lost does not have to do this, because they have me hooked on a once a week habit already!

Anyway, if you are still reading this, you should really check out the show. It's pretty fun. Don't be surprised if you find yourself singing along. It happens to the best of us!

Doppelganger Week

So this week was Doppelganger Week on Facebook, or Facespace as Derek calls it. (that always make me laugh) I'm not sure when this became popular, but it sure seems to have taken off. I have known what a doppelganger was for a long time, but I had never thought about it humorously until I saw How I Met Your Mother. The five main characters on the show all have doppelgangers, two of which we have yet to meet. Spoiler alert!-for you fans we are suppose to meet Ted and Barney's doppelganger's this season! So far we have met Lesbian Robin, Mustache Marshall and Stripper Lily. If you are not watching this show, you really should reconsider, because you are being a fool!

Back to the blog! I'm sure those of you on facebook have noticed all the pictures going up of our friends doppelgangers. Some of you may have even participated in this tomfoolery, but I don't think any one who reads this did. If you did, don't take offense. This is just a blog that 8 people read. Simmer down.

I think some of our friends flatter themselves a bit! I am attaching a picture of Chris Farley to this post. If I were to have put up a picture, this would have been it. I really don't think I look that much like Chris Farley, but the body type fits, so go with it! I can only hope to be as funny as Chris Farley some day! I have really gotten a kick out of the pictures I have been seeing this week. Old friend from college, you are cute, but you do not look like Reese Witherspoon. No one told you that. Acquaintance from high school, you are no Drew Barrymore. Maybe you are, but then again I think I resemble Brad Pitt. Sorry Smarmy. Nicolas Cage? Really? And if facespace told me that I looked like Ellen DeGeneres, and my sex is male, I think I might not post that on my page. Perhaps you should consider that, former employee.

Some of our friends have done well! Apparently I have buddies that look like Tea Leoni, Josh Lucas and Thomas Hayden Church. These are three friends that really do have a possible doppelganger in these three celebrities. I have some good looking friends!

You may have noticed that I have not been naming names. I certainly don't mean this to be mean spirited. I just thought it was a funny week on facespace. Feel free to comment if you disagree!

Unexpected Surprise

I had an unexpected surprise at work today. We all know about Wednesdays. Middle of the week. Not close enough to the weekend to get too excited, but far enough to still long for Friday. I came out of my office at about 4:30, which is exciting enough any day I am not closing, because that means I am about 30 minutes from leaving! However, two women walked in the front of the store and walked straight toward me. They are both members of the First United Methodist Church here in Tahlequah. They said they stopped by my house a couple of times to visit with me and drop off the pictured gift. I was not there either time, so they just came to the store. I love the fact that I met these two women at church a couple of weeks ago and never mentioned where I worked. It's kind of fun being the new person in a small town. Everyone seems to know who you are and where you work. Anyway, they told me they were happy I had been to worship with them the last few weeks and dropped off the coffee mug and hershey kisses as a welcoming gift. I have to admit, I have been hemming and hawing about whether I should join the church or keep looking. I have never had anyone come by to visit me with a gift, and I have been the new kid on the block in a new town plenty of times. I will be joining the church here soon, and it has nothing to do with the hershey kisses!

Fortune Cookie

I got a to go box from the Chinese restaurant here in town tonight. When I was finished with my meal I cracked open my fortune cookie. To my surprise my fortune cookie had three fortunes enclosed. Jackpot! I know lots of people have different ways of reading fortunes or adding words to the end to make your fortune funnier. I am no different! Listed below are the fortunes I received this evening and the way I read them. I think you will be able to figure out my modifications!

1. No obstacles will stand in your way this coming week in bed.
2. Seek out the significance of your problem. Try to understand in bed.
3. You are always welcome in any gathering. Host a party this month in bed.

For some reason I kept the two fortunes out of the two cookies I got when I went to the Chinese restaurant in December. I think these two below are funnier.

1. Share your abundant humor with others at this time. They need it in bed.
2. Do it because you love it in bed.

That last one is my favorite!

Case of the Mondays

Margaret sent me an email today listing horoscope signs. Part of the description said that Leo's "make their problems everyone else's problems." In the spirit of that email, let me tell you about my day!

I should have known that today would not be the best day since I did not go to bed last night until well after midnight. I woke up at 5:00 a.m. to the sound of my phone receiving a text message. Another telltale sign of a "stellar" Monday morning. The text was from one of my full time people who was still snowed in. She lives in the country and the county had not yet cleared her roads. While I appreciate the notice, I would have appreciated it a little more at 6:00 a.m. I went back to sleep until 6 when my alarm went off and then sent my assistant manager a message letting him know Becky would not be there and to see if he wanted to open or close the store today, hoping that he wanted to open so I could sleep a little later. I got a message back from him letting me know he was sick and was planning on going to the doctor. I was hoping not to open, but instead got to open and close. Still no big deal, just not the way I wanted to start the week.

I got to the store about 7:30 and got things ready for the day. Things were pretty non-stop from the minute we opened the doors at 7:45. It was a little wild today, which probably had more to do with the school being closed the last two days of last week for the ice storm. I was in and out of my office all morning, but spent most of my time on the sales floor. Late morning I stepped out of my office to an older, non-traditional student who usually has a thing or two to say about the way of the world, or more accurately how we are or are not doing things in the store. I asked him how he was doing, praying that the answer would be "fine." It's Monday, I should have known better. He had a problem with the kind of sketchbooks we had received this morning, even though we had been out for three weeks. I spoke with him last week and told him that the kind we ordered were what the professors wanted but that I would order the kind he wanted too, because obviously the students wanted a cheaper option. I guess he failed to realize that the sketchbooks I ordered for him were not in yet, but the order I placed two weeks ago was. Simmer down champ! I explained to him that I had ordered the ones he wanted and that they would be here in about a week, which is what I explained to him last week when I said they would be here in about two weeks. Regardless, he left happy and that bomb was diffused!

I wish I had known the bomb that was about to explode. I would have had some chewing gum, a paper clip and a piece of twine in place to MacGuyver myself out of that sticky situation. I guess it was about 2:30. I was at the checkout with one of my employees, but I was working on the computer so I had my back to the sales floor. I heard a woman ask my employee, "are you the manager?" This is usually not a good question, but she had a nice voice, so I immediately turned around. I asked what I could help her with and that is when I got slapped in the face with her words. "I just wanted to let you know that your new store is pathetic." Excuse me? "When you and Barnes & Noble took over you took all the good supplies out of here. The selection of art supplies you have is pathetic and you should really carry more." I was shocked. I would never say what she said to me to another person, but let's get back to the story. I asked if I could help her find anything and she told me that our selection was "pathetic" and that we did not have what she needed. "And furthermore, the things you do have are all available at WalMart and they are a lot cheaper." Well, be my guest! No one is forcing you to spend your money with me! "You used to have such a huge assortment of art supplies and Barnes & Noble got rid of them all! Don't you remember what you used to carry? Whoever is making the decisions for your store is doing a poor job!" This was not my first experience with an angry customer and it won't be my last either. I explained that I came in with Barnes & Noble last June and was not aware of what the store had before. We have all required supplies for art classes held on campus, but that I would be happy to carry anything she might need. "That does me no good! I need it today!" Well, thanks for waiting until the last minute to get what you needed. I was still trying to calmy diffuse this bomb, because although she had rattled me, she had yet to make me mad. Apparently you can only use the word pathetic to describe my place of business a finite number of times before you finally poke the bear hard enough to get mauled! "Ma'am, I am willing to help you with anything and get the supplies in that you would like us to carry, but I am not going to stand here and listen to you belittle me and belittle Barnes & Noble." I think this kind of stunned her. "I'm not belittling you, but Barnes & Noble is doing a pathetic job with this store." (Sidenote-we are now over our projected sales budget for the year, so you be the judge) "Well you are belittling the company I have worked for for almost 10 years and that is a reflection on me." This stunned her a little bit too. She backed off a bit and said it was a shame we did not have more supplies. She gave me a short list of things that we could carry, like big markers and silk screening supplies. They have big markers at WalMart and I don't even care what silk screening supplies are. I thanked her for coming in and then asked her name. "Judy Gamble, and you can quote me on that!" Are you kidding me? "Ma'am, I was asking your name to let you know that my name was Cole and I would happy to help you with anything in the future. I was not asking your name so that I could write it down and report it." She finally left and I shared a couple of laughs with my employees who were standing nearby. She really did rattle me!

About 10 minutes later a girl walked up who had been in the store when I had my "confrontation." I rang her up and thanked her and she told me she had been in the store earlier and said "you really handled that situation well." I'm not sure that's true, but I really appreciated the fact that she said it, which is exactly what I told her. To tell you the truth, it made me feel a lot better.

I went in to the cash office to finish up some paperwork from the last sales day. My cell phone rang and since I was off the floor I answered it. It was the minister from the church I have been attending here. He introduced himself and thanked me for worshipping with them the past few weeks. It really is true that the Lord works in mysterious ways! In the span of 10 minutes after a conversation with a heinous woman, I had two people lift my spirits. Hallelujah!

The rest of the day was really nothing to blog about, but was just busy enough to be annoying. We were not crazy busy, but busy enough. To top this off, one of my part time employees is driving me crazy! He is a nice kid and means well, but his social skills leave a lot to be desired. I sent him home early just to get him out of my hair.

I had emailed back and forth with Margaret throughout the day and had planned a phone call happy hour for this evening that I could not wait to get to! To my surprise, when she called she had Dana on the phone too. Talk about turning my day around! After a long Monday I cannot think of a better way to unwind then having a beer with friends, even if it is over the phone.

I can honestly say that the group of friends I have now are the best I have ever had. And since you all read this blog (thanks by the way) I feel no need to name names.

Here's to another Monday gone! I will not have to deal with you for another week!