Live! With Kelly and Cole?

So I have been doing a lot of thinking about this lately, which is really kind of scary. I figure Regis Philbin, from Live! with Regis and Kelly, is bound to retire in the next few years. I would like to officially throw my hat in the ring to be his replacement! (Pause for laughter) Seriously though! I think I could fill the shoes of TV's most prolific host.

I was reading about the possible retirement of Mr. Philbin earlier today on various websites. Apparently their has been talk of an impending retirement for years. I guess a lot of people thought he would retire after he had his bypass surgery last year. Wrong! He's back! Lots of men have been mentioned that could be possible replacements. Jeff Probst, a.k.a The Probster, How I Met Your Mother's resident ladies man, Neil Patrick Harris, and Mr. AC360, Anderson Cooper. All great possibilities. However, I would like to point a few things out. Jeff, Survivor would miss you! No one does Tribal Council like you. Barney (Neil Patrick Harris), please stay where you are and help Ted find his wife! What can I say Anderson, CNN needs you. You should stay where you are, just threaten to leave and collect a huge bonus. (You can thank me later for that one later) I read one article that said after his retirement he would probably be replaced by a woman. It went on to say that they did not believe any male celebrity could fill his shoes, so a woman would be a natural choice. They felt that Kelly would do just as well with a female co-host and that would curtail any problems a new male host might have filling Regis' shoes.

I think what you read below will convince you that picking anyone but yours truly would be a grave mistake!

• I work cheap! I would not even begin to speculate what Regis makes per episode, but I bet I could live pretty large on just half of that. I'm not saying you won't get your bang for your buck Gelman, but in this economy we all need to be pinching pennies!
• I think Regis has a car service because he lives in Connecticut. I will sacrifice and live near the studio. I can certainly make due in Manhanttan! I would love to walk to work!
• Kelly and her husband, Mark Consuelos, have three kids. I would be more than happy to do some free babysitting so those two could have a few nights out. This would also give us something to talk about on Monday's during host chat. The benefits of this one are two-fold!
• I am fully capable of dialing a telephone. I do not get to watch Live! as much I would like, but it seems that over the past several years Regis has had quite a problem dialing the phone number to call the lucky person who is going to play the daily trivia game. Perhaps this is part of Regis' charm, but perhaps it is a more telling sign of the problem of ageism and technology. I think I could bring more to the table, or in this case, the phone. I would even be willing to talk and dial at the same time. Contrary to popular belief, some men can multitask!
• I am a likable person! I like to chit chat about random things, which would make the daily improvised twenty minute "host chat" at the beginning of each show all the more fun! Plus, I am from the South. Perhaps a little southern charm is just what the show has been missing. Kelly is from New Jersey and I am from Texas. Between the two of us, perhaps this show "can rise again!" (That was a very poorly veiled reference to the South rising again. I will not make another ridiculous comment like that.)
• I have a laundry list of hilarious friends and family that could fill in for Kelly or the occasional last minute guest cancellation. All of them would be very interesting co-hosts or guests. I promise that all of them would have socially relevant quips regarding sports, pop culture and any other topics of discussions. All of their banter would be family friendly, worthy of a mid-morning talk show. I will do my best to make sure they are all sober. Just kidding! (for the most part)
• I know pop culture! I sometimes get the feeling that Regis is not fully aware of why he is interviewing the person across from him or why they would be invited to be on the show. I could astound you with my Pee-Wee Herman knowledge, I remember why Gary Busey is culturally relevant and I have seen all the Police Academy movies. Still not convinced? That's understandable. What if I had to interview Selena Gomez. I'm pretty sure Regis and I know the same amount about this young ingenue.......nothing! Regis would appreciate my next move. I would "phone a friend" named Dana and find out everything I needed to know in order to perform the perfect interview. I could also bone up on my Jonas Brother's music catalog, start listening to Jay-Z and limit the number of references I might make to obscure movies. (You are a genius Christopher Guest) Are you convinced? I thought so! I just want to make sure that you know I am willing to do some leg work!
• A new host on the show would certainly be big news. It might even increase ratings at first, as people will inevitably wonder how the "new Regis" is doing. Here's my question. How much do you think ratings would go up by bringing in an unknown host to fill the spot of one of the most beloved talk show hosts in history? The answer, oodles! (This word does not get proper credit, so I decided to use it) I'm not trying to toot my own horn, but I think bringing me in would be the Spinal Tap equivalent of cranking it up to eleven.

In all seriousness, if someone from the show is reading this blog, I would very much like the opportunity to be considered for Regis' position when he retires. Gelman, I appreciate the comical repartee you and Regis have going on. I would be proud to continue in that grand tradition! To my friends reading this, I hope you enjoyed. Remember this, those who help me succeed may someday be a guest on Live! with Kelly and Cole. Those of you who ridicule and mock me will one day be mocked on national television. That's just some food for thought. Wikipedia told me that the show has been renewed through 2011. In case you were wondering, I am willing to move in 2011. If you can cover the moving van, the aforementioned friends would be happy to help me pack. Splitting resources, talk about teamwork!